My world got completely turned upside-down recently when I found myself no longer in a 6-year relationship, but instead alone and single. My boyfriend and I broke up. It is not my intention to write up nasty stuff about my ex-boyfriend, or to air my dirty laundry here. I just thought I’d write down how I feel.
Believe it or not, I have not been in this situation before. Never before have I gone through a permanent breakup. We did have a fight before that resulted in us being apart for a week or two, but this is different. This seems permanent.
At first, when we split up, I wanted it. I thought that it would be for the better and we would both end up being happier. And I felt nothing. No sadness, no stress, no loneliness. I didn’t even feel the need to be busy. But I started worrying about why I wasn’t reacting. I thought I should have been in a lot of pain after a (relatively) happy long-term relationship ended. But inevitably, the pain did arrive…
The pain came with confusion. They always tell you that when you suffer a breakup, you will feel deeply sad and depressed. What they don’t tell you, is that it goes up and down. One minute you are coping. The next minute you feel like death inside. You can’t imagine ever being happy again… you feel lonly even when people are around. And then you start wanting the relationship to be repaired. But then again you don’t. Then you do. Such confusion! And it is enhanced by the fact that we both still love and care for each other. It just didn’t work out.
I think my advice to myself is that it is perfectly OK to feel sad, happy, and confused, all at the same time. I think the best thing is to give my feelings some time to mature. After a while, they will settle, and my heart will tell me what I need to do next.
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