The ultimate guide to gay sex

Sex is a big thing in our lives. Sex should be an intimate experience, not just a quick release. Well that’s how I view it at least. But however you view sex, this guide gives you some ins and outs of gay sex.

First up – It’s OK to say no to sex

Saying no is perfectly fine, and you should never feel obligated or required to have sex. Whether it is a hookup and you’re not feeling it, or you’re with your long-term partner and just aren’t in the mood, saying no is OK. Just be open an honest. Anyone who forces you to continue just isn’t worth it.

What’s on the menu today?

Sex doesn’t have to mean penetrative anal sex. Sex is the intimate act of sharing your body with someone else, and can include:

• Kissing
• Masturbation (generally mutual)
• Dry humping (rubbing against each other sexually, but with clothes on)
• Frottage (rubbing your penises together)
• Oral sex
• Penetrative sex (including fingering)

Let your partner know what you are feeling like doing up front. You might not like anal sex, or might not feel comfortable with it on the day, so it is fine to say to your partner: “Let’s just do oral today,” or “I don’t feel like anal today.” Any type of sex, if done passionately, can be just as intimate and exciting as another type.

Foreplay before sex

We all know that foreplay is very important before sex. But what exactly is foreplay, and how long should it last?

If you are wanting a special and intimate experience, foreplay is essential. Foreplay is not something that has a start and end, but rather a journey right through your sexual experience. Foreplay could start hours in advance, and subtly turn into sex without you needing to know exactly where the boundary of foreplay stops and where sex starts. Good foreplay should last at least 30 minutes though.

Here are some examples foreplay:

• Send a text message complimenting his smile. This will make him think about it all day and builds the excitement.
• Give him a wink and a smile when you see him.
• Put your hand gently on his thigh when you’re sitting next to him.
• Cuddle.
• Set the mood with candles, scents, gentle music and soft lighting. But don’t go overboard or it could be weird.
• Give him a massage. Take your time, but eventually move towards the thighs, buttocks, and then penis and testicles.
• Play with his nipples. Gentle at first, and harder later. You can also use your tongue and teeth (gently).
• Kiss. This is a great foreplay. Long and gentle kissing is great for building the sexual tension.

Anal sex

How to be a good bottom

1. Make sure you are clean down there. You don’t necessarily have to douche, but make sure to have washed with some gentle soap. Don’t get the soap inside as it may irritate your rectum.
2. If you struggle to relax down there, you could try soaking in a warm bath before sex.
3. You could warm up beforehand by using a finger with some lube. This will help relax your anus.
4. Get relaxed with lots of foreplay like rimming or fingering.
5. Breathe deeply. This helps you to relax.
6. Tell your partner how you are feeling and when to go slow, and when to speed up.

How to be a good top

The most important tip is to listen to your partner, and go at their pace. 

1. Make sure your partner is warmed up and relaxed after some foreplay.
2. Use plenty of lube. Place lube on your penis, or over the condom. Also use your finger to place a bit of lube around your partners anus. 
3. If he allows, gently work a finger into your partner. This is a good opportunity to get some lube inside there.
4. Placing your penis at the entrance to his anus, place some pressure on the anus. Don’t just shove your penis inside – rather allow it to naturally shift inside as he relaxes into it. 
5. Be gentle and slow at first. It can take a minute or so for your partner to have fully relaxed and feel comfortable. Take your queue from them as to when you should start increasing your thrusting.
6. If they come first, check if they are happy for you to continue. After ejaculating, it can feel less pleasurable to have someone inside you.

Anxiety and erectile challenges

If you are having sex for the first time, or you are with a new partner, you may feel anxious. Unfortunately this feeling also can result in poor erections. It is important to realise that many men feel anxious at this time, and erectile challenges are actually quite normal.

• Relax by breathing deeply and slowly.
• Tell your partner how you are feeling. This helps to clear the air and can immediately relieve tension.
• If this occurs frequently, speak to your GP about anxiety medication or erectile dysfunction medication.

Stay safe

Love your body and treat it with respect. You can play safe and still have tons of fun!

• Don’t be afraid to wear a condom. Never be pressurised into not wearing a condom. Condoms are sexy – don’t believe that it’s better bareback. Have a look at The condom experiment for some fun with cool condoms.
• Chat to your GP about using PREP if you are frequently having sex with different people, or if your partner has HIV.
• Avoid using drugs and alcohol before sex. Besides reducing your performance, it can cause you to make stupid decisions that you’ll regret later.

Lastly, remember that not everything needs to go as planned. Have a look at the 7 realities of gay sex: it is not like porn for a comprehensive list of things that can go wrong, and to see the humour in it.

What are some of your thoughts about gay sex? Leave your comments below.