Being rejected by your family for being gay 8

Christmas time. A period full of happy memories with family members. We spend quality time with our family, laughing together, with them cherishing and loving us and us loving them in return. That is why Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year.

But it is also one of the saddest times for me. As I think of how my family loves and accepts me, I also think of how many families have rejected their children outright, just because they have come out as gay. It saddens and sickens me, and I cannot even begin to imagine what that must feel like. I guess I am just luck that I did not go through that.

All alone at Chirstmas

How can a family be so cruel as to reject their loved one? How can parents, whose only job in life is to raise, protect and love their child, choose to tell them that they are no longer their child? This is inconceivable to me. No matter what one’s belief, religion or upbringing, the natural instinct should be to love your children and family unconditionally.

So if it is so inconceivable to reject family, why are so many gay guys and girls spending Christmas without the family that, deep down in their heart, they want to be with? Let me try to put myself in the shoes of a father, ignorant to homosexuality, who has just found out about his son being gay…

I have just found out that my son is… is… one of those people. I can’t even say the word. I cannot think. I just react. It is natural to think that being gay is wrong. Society tells me this. And I want the best for my boy, and being gay is not the best for him. I cannot believe this, it must just be a phase. I mean we all have weird thoughts at his age. But come to think about it, it can’t be a phase. Most guys his age are on their third or fourth girlfriend, and he has never had a girlfriend. I’m angry. I should have raised him better. My pride and ego are now clouding my vision. I feel like I am to blame for this, but I cannot admit it. The easiest option to keep my pride is to avoid this problem completely. I cannot accept this. He cannot be my child any more…

While I cannot say for sure what goes through someone’s head when their child comes out to them, and obviously each parent will think differently, this may be a valid example. Can you relate to this in any way? Does it ring true to you or your parents?

If you have been ousted from family, and they still mean a lot to you, then I suggest fighting for your family. Keep phoning them. Keep visiting. It might be very difficult and go very wrong for a while, but the optimistic side in me hopes that one day they will give in to the pressure and let you back into their lives. Good luck…

Share your thoughts on the above post!

8 thoughts on “Being rejected by your family for being gay

  • Josh

    That’s very true, I think sometimes parents feel that they might be the ones that didn’t raise their child properly and they feel guilty about their child not being “normal”, but that is exactly the problem with our society, we each have our own definition of normal and they judge themselves on the basis of their definition whilst we are not judging them because in our definition we are as normal as normal gets. I don’t think that my parents made any mistakes when raising me and I do not blame them for me being gay because being gay is who I am. But they DO blame themselves because being gay is not who they are. I think in the end its a matter of “the fear of the unknown”

  • Roxy

    I know exactly what you mean, i had to pack up my things and leave my parents house over christmass time. They never kicked me out verbally but in every other way they basically shouted “get out i hate you”. It really hurts sometimes and i hate it because this isnt a choice i made, this isnt like a drug addict that chooses to shoot up with cocaine and stuff. Ok i should stop now before this turns into a rant.

  • Asher

    This is an issue that is very close to my heart and one that I can partially relate to. I came out to my close friends not so long ago, and although they did not understand it at first (they said I was so straight looking and acting – granted, it had been my closet mechanism), and so do not completely believe that I’m not going through a phase, they have been supportive and even set me up on dates sometimes. However I have not yet come out to my family; that is going to be a steep mountain to climb.
    I believe coming out is basically in stages. How one defines as being out is objective, in relation to the circle that they consider close and also in relation to whom they would consider “someone they would not come out to”. While it was liberating to be out to my friends, who are very close, I feel I am not yet completely out because my family, who are part of my circle of close loved ones, still have no idea. and the reason for this is because I’m completely terrified of what their reaction will be. I certainly am aware of their views on homosexuality, which makes it very difficult to broach the subject. My family has had very little contact with anyone who might even be gay, and they actively avoid lgbt people. They protect their world and societal views this way. Gay life and culture is so far flung from their daily experience or interaction that me coming out to them would be the equivalent of pulling out an inter-galactic alien life form out of my pocket and introducing it as my long lost twin. It just seems that impossible.

    What hurts the most about this inability to come out is the distance that is created by my secrecy. I feel I am growing further and further from my family and that they are losing out on my anecdotes and experiences that I would otherwise share with them – my adult life is evolving without their knowledge or input and that hurts deeply as it feels that I am alienating them.
    I feel like such a coward for not telling them, and then I counter those emotions by telling myself that my relationship with them has never been easy and has always been fraught with so much secrecy and shielding of the truth. I begin to feel that my inability to be honest with them is the product of a life-long bargaining sort of relationship with them.
    I live far away from most of my family, so I feel that the distance shields me from any unexpected situations where I might be outed unintentionally, but the emotional distance created by this hidden secret is frightening for me. I feel its insidious.
    But I have hope that soon (and it needs to be very soon) I will sum up the necessary courage to be open with them. I just fear that it might just be the last interaction I have with them.

    • Aaron Post author

      Thanks for your extremely honest comment. I wish all the best for you, and I challenge you to take a leap of faith and tell your family. Of course it will be difficult at first. Of course they will be shocked. But then it is up to you to force them back to reality by defining what the “new normal” is. I will publish your comment as a main blog post. Thanks.

  • Megan

    My parents found out that I’m gay and engaged to another woman about a month ago. The last time I spoke to them was during a phone conversation in which they called me disgusting, evil and told me that no one would ever love or accept me and I’d made a choice to ruin my own life. I’m not dealing well with the situation. I’m so numb and dissociated that my relationship is taking strain and I just feel dead. I guess I’m grieving the loss. I would never wish this pain on anyone.