I have read and heard of many people saying: “I am a good-looking guy and quite laid-back. Why is finding love so hard? Why is it so hard for me to find love?” Or the usual, “I got into one of those dating sites and was excited about the prospects of meeting someone. But all I got were guys who were looking for sex, sex, sex and sex disguised as ‘love’. Am I missing something?”
I think the one thing that makes it very challenging for us gay people to find love and commitment is that we are all in very differing stages of acceptance and growth. Most times people are at a stage that is appropriate for the behaviour they exhibit, for example, wanting just casual sex and asking questions like “are you bottom or top?” And these guys may not always be in their 20’s or 30’s, but even older than that. So you get a lot of back/forth, up/down and confusing actions by many.
Others who you would assume should be over all that so-called “juvenile” behaviour end up disappointing you by asking about your dick size, etc. You wonder what the guy was up to in his early 20’s to only get started with that at the ripe age of 48? If you happen to see someone very attractive on a dating site, but end up turned off by that line of questioning, it is easy to become discouraged.
It’s hard to stay optimistic when you dream of meeting someone and that dream becomes ever more elusive as the months (even years) pass by. What are you to do? Turn to women for ‘stability’? (As if stability rests with a certain gender and is ALWAYS guaranteed.) It seems to be the “oh well, there is still that girl I know from such and such” as the fall back plan. Most falling into the predictable patterns of expressed homophobia that they (ironically enough) were fighting to come through from.
Perhaps the understanding we should reach is that, despite appearances, we are all fundamentally looking for the same thing? Happiness? But we each have very differing definitions of what happiness actually is, and what the best way to get it is.
When I was about to burst out and lament on how hopeless this “romance” thing is, when I was once again also let down by another very attractive prospect, when the obvious “I am just looking to have fun” signs came up, I took a moment to reason that perhaps every experience clarifies the intent behind the goal?
Before, I had far-fetched ideas of the type of guy I wanted. Those toned down considerably over the years to include a large bracket of people that I would have never considered before.
Now still, the net gets wider and wider; but paradoxically enough, increasingly specific and rigid.
I care less about the colour of someone’s skin, less about whether or not they were designed on mount Olympus — looking like a breathtaking underwear model. Less about how “effeminate” their mannerisms can get. But more about CHARACTER. Oh that is so hard to find.
Am I deluding myself? Is all that I have dreamed possible? I really can’t say with certainty. But I know that many feel the way I do. Many have expressed dissatisfaction with the way things are. Frustrated in not being able to change what is, some withdrew and threw the whole batch into the bin: Resolving themselves to sweeping statements like: “all gays are sluts” and all related hateful statement. Will I follow suit?
With that being said, I remember the young boy I was that used to dream so deeply, so vividly that he could taste the reality of all he wanted to manifest in his life. So sure was he that it was within reach that it was never a “possibility”, but as something very tangible indeed.
So while I cry and think how pathetic I am by watching porn and masturbating with tissue under my pillow — easing the loneliness (by the way, a towel works best and doesn’t leave that nasty folded tissue residue. You can just pass out after the deed is done and the sleep is damn peaceful). But I know that even when I am touching myself like that — dreaming of telling another how much I love them, I know that the feelings behind my desires go way deeper than the action to alleviate them.
I remember that young boy and think that he never intended to suffer. That was not the plan. Nor did he endure for so long in closet doors and childhood torments only to succumb to dingy futures filled with bitterness, feeling lonesome and “burdened” by what he once fought so hard to accept, preserve and walk side-by-side with dignity knowing this is the way it must be.
So with that in mind, I later went back my profile which I had intended on deleting, but held back.
After all these years of not knowing which way is up. It won’t let me be. I still am that boy with the same dream.
This post was written by a guest blogger, “Lovelife”. If you want to be a guest blogger, all you need to do is visit “be a guest blogger“.