The difficulty of finding love in a gay life 2

I have read and heard of many people saying: “I am a good-looking guy and quite laid-back. Why is finding love so hard? Why is it so hard for me to find love?” Or the usual, “I got into one of those dating sites and was excited about the prospects of meeting someone. But all I got were guys who were looking for sex, sex, sex and sex disguised as ‘love’. Am I missing something?”

I think the one thing that makes it very challenging for us gay people to find love and commitment is that we are all in very differing stages of acceptance and growth. Most times people are at a stage that is appropriate for the behaviour they exhibit, for example, wanting just casual sex and asking questions like “are you bottom or top?” And these guys may not always be in their 20’s or 30’s, but even older than that. So you get a lot of back/forth, up/down and confusing actions by many.

Finding love - online dating

Others who you would assume should be over all that so-called “juvenile” behaviour end up disappointing you by asking about your dick size, etc. You wonder what the guy was up to in his early 20’s to only get started with that at the ripe age of 48? If you happen to see someone very attractive on a dating site, but end up turned off by that line of questioning, it is easy to become discouraged.

It’s hard to stay optimistic when you dream of meeting someone and that dream becomes ever more elusive as the months (even years) pass by. What are you to do? Turn to women for ‘stability’? (As if stability rests with a certain gender and is ALWAYS guaranteed.) It seems to be the “oh well, there is still that girl I know from such and such” as the fall back plan. Most falling into the predictable patterns of expressed homophobia that they (ironically enough) were fighting to come through from.

Perhaps the understanding we should reach is that, despite appearances, we are all fundamentally looking for the same thing? Happiness? But we each have very differing definitions of what happiness actually is, and what the best way to get it is.

When I was about to burst out and lament on how hopeless this “romance” thing is, when I was once again also let down by another very attractive prospect, when the obvious “I am just looking to have fun” signs came up, I took a moment to reason that perhaps every experience clarifies the intent behind the goal?

Before, I had far-fetched ideas of the type of guy I wanted. Those toned down considerably over the years to include a large bracket of people that I would have never considered before.

Now still, the net gets wider and wider; but paradoxically enough, increasingly specific and rigid.

I care less about the colour of someone’s skin, less about whether or not they were designed on mount Olympus — looking like a breathtaking underwear model. Less about how “effeminate” their mannerisms can get. But more about CHARACTER. Oh that is so hard to find.

Am I deluding myself? Is all that I have dreamed possible? I really can’t say with certainty. But I know that many feel the way I do. Many have expressed dissatisfaction with the way things are. Frustrated in not being able to change what is, some withdrew and threw the whole batch into the bin: Resolving themselves to sweeping statements like: “all gays are sluts” and all related hateful statement. Will I follow suit?

With that being said, I remember the young boy I was that used to dream so deeply, so vividly that he could taste the reality of all he wanted to manifest in his life. So sure was he that it was within reach that it was never a “possibility”, but as something very tangible indeed.

Finding love - long path

So while I cry and think how pathetic I am by watching porn and masturbating with tissue under my pillow — easing the loneliness (by the way, a towel works best and doesn’t leave that nasty folded tissue residue. You can just pass out after the deed is done and the sleep is damn peaceful). But I know that even when I am touching myself like that — dreaming of telling another how much I love them, I know that the feelings behind my desires go way deeper than the action to alleviate them.

I remember that young boy and think that he never intended to suffer. That was not the plan. Nor did he endure for so long in closet doors and childhood torments only to succumb to dingy futures filled with bitterness, feeling lonesome and “burdened” by what he once fought so hard to accept, preserve and walk side-by-side with dignity knowing this is the way it must be.

So with that in mind, I later went back my profile which I had intended on deleting, but held back.

After all these years of not knowing which way is up. It won’t let me be. I still am that boy with the same dream.

This post was written by a guest blogger, “Lovelife”. If you want to be a guest blogger, all you need to do is visit “be a guest blogger“.

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2 thoughts on “The difficulty of finding love in a gay life

  • Pancho

    Guest blogger, I believe what you write about resonates with me. As I write this, I am listening to Firework by Katy Perry, because I need to remind myself of the hope that “maybe the reason why every door seems closed is so you can open the one to a perfect home” (unless I am bastardizing the lyrics).

    I am very moved by the sincerity with which you wrote about your experience as a gay man looking for love in a time when it is easy to overlook long term relationships in favor of immediate gratification.
    In my experience, I have met some wonderful people, the last one was a Christian boy with whom I immediately had a connection at Cavendish mall, while ordering a smoothie. It turns out that much like Katy Perry sings in unconditionally, once I shared “what was on the inside”he never replied. Deeper than that, I believe he probably is not gay. Whether or not he is attracted to men is one thing. Even if he were, to be gay he would need to reject notions of homosexual feelings of being dirty and embrace the love all around him.
    I am also Christian (Roman Catholic) and I am gay. The two aspects of my identity meet in my belief in Jesus. When I was a child, I thought of Jesus as just someone who would one day give me a warm hug. But now as a young adult, I put away childish things and I see him as a man who gives me a hug that becomes warm and erotic. I so wish I can meet someone with whom I can share this love.

    Although this is not the intent of this blog, I think it would be a bonus if like minded people, such as ourselves, could end up meeting. And by this I open it up for anyone reading this, so we can build community. As a student here at UCT, I have tried to build community, as I did when I was a working person in my home.

    As a South African man, you should be proud of yourself! I hope to see you at pride and perhaps we can walk together! In the film Skoonheid, we see how internalized homophobia may mean living a double life with painful consequences. And yet, at the end of that film, we see what true beauty really is – the sight of two boys on a date, what the protagonist could have experienced, had he made different choices.
    Be proud you have made the choice to be who you are and believe. You gotta have faith, as George Michael sings.