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Just a guy looking for another. Any hope for me?

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African village hut

One of my readers posted this on my blog for me:

I’m sure you’ve heard this one before but basically I’m a 23 year old African guy, raised in the villages by my loving old lady and moved to the city to come to varsity.

African village hut

I’ve known I was attracted to guys since high school but never really ‘entertained’ the idea because

  1. The community I was raised in is very homophobic. In fact, I don’t know anyone who is openly homosexual there.
  2. I hated that I was homosexual. I did not understand why me of all people needed to be gay.
  3. I’m really just ‘another guy’, so all of my friends are straight and I think homophobic (I would like to use this opportunity to say I have absolutely nothing against guys who are more in touch with their feminine sides, we are all different).
  4. Working hard to leave the villages and get into medical school kept me very busy (finishing my 5th year now).

It is only this year that I’ve accepted I am gay and I’m very comfortable with myself. I came out to my family a few weeks ago and they are surprisingly comfortable with who I am.

I’ve also just recently started dating guys (dating sites and apps mainly) but OMW! I am disgusted. Most gay guys seem to just be all about this ‘no strings attached’ hook ups.
I would like to believe we all have our preferences in terms of sexual attraction. I am unfortunately mostly attracted to the ‘straight acting’ guys. What’s more unfortunate is how most of these guys are so uncomfortable with being gay that you can’t:

  1. Comfortably walk in public with them because their friends might suspect they are gay.
  2. Discuss long term plans with them because, who knows, they might just conform and ‘go straight’.
  3. Get themselves to just fall in love with a guy and be comfortable with that.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m only 23 and still sorting out my career so I’m not looking to get married yet but yes, some day I definitely want to move in with a partner whom I’m in love with, get married and have kids. Are there any guys out there who are comfortable to just fall in love with another guy and be comfortable with that?

Am I looking in the wrong places?

Please leave a comment to let us know if you think there are guys out there that are comfortable with falling in love with another guy? Also, have a look at how to deal with homophobia.

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5 responses to “Just a guy looking for another. Any hope for me?”

  1. Michael avatar
    Michael

    Dear man

    Relax, date, and be discerning. The rush in your pants, that pressure is not romance nor love. Get real.

    It takes a fair amount of kissing and swallowing of frogs, to reach prince charming; please debag guilts and prejudices from the closet, at the door. Don’t bother to prepare; the journey is extraordinary, unique.

    Chill axe. SA/SL is the new normal; most guys are not acting. Enjoy that for you, love pops from the champagne of testosterone. Understand that for others, it is more about sex, or whatever. Ours not to judge: let him who lives in a glass closet, throw the first stone, stoned. Know that there are 3.6 billion men on this planet. More than a few of their pegs can fill or make you whole, so if you miss waiting for a man or a bus; please don’t worry. There will be another one along, in a little while.

    Try not to bottom immediately the egg nogg is passed around on Christmas day, your new friends may think you’re sluttalicious. And before you throw the old boring friends out in the gutter quite yet, be sure which really are friends and which are for keeps. It may be useful to know that, later – on second thoughts, why burn bridges? Leave them as is and give global warming a break.

    Remember, its OK to behave like a
    Ho-ho-ho !

    when you Play safe and make it a Merry Christmas

    Not your ‘Sister’ Santa

    Reply
    1. Aaron avatar
      Aaron

      Well put, Michael. Thanks. I think it is easy to fall into the trap that makes us think there is no one else out there for us.

      Reply
  2. Lovelife avatar
    Lovelife

    Being gay does mean that you have to go the extra mile in finding a partner. It is not as simple as how straight guys do.

    First you must be comfortable with yourself. The fact that you mentioned that you are attracted to “straight acting” guys suggests to me that you are still very much looking to “hide”.

    Guys come in all shapes and forms. Shades and colours. There are plenty guys that want what you want, but we all have “specific” ideas of whom we want to give all that “commitment stuff” to us.

    And with how life is, we ironically hardly ever wind up with someone that we initially pictured ourselves with. Whites tend to avoid blacks. Blacks tend to avoid whites. But if you keep a very open mind, you really may find yourself in the arms of someone you were initially weary of. And very happy 🙂

    1.Firstly, read up a lot and understand the psychology of gay men. Understand the pros and cons of society both theoretically and practically.Go out to parties and make gay friends.

    But be careful about confusing what you see and what you read with who you are. People tend to use words like “gay people” this, “gay people” that. And its seldom positive. So don’t bite and ignore all that. It probably all comes from persons who have been greatly disappointed and feel jaded.

    2. Masturbate.You are 23 and when I was that age, all I could think of was sex. But with the many irksome pitfalls that were/and still out there, I acquainted myself with my left hand.Fast. I also trained at the gym a lot.Gay magazines and adult cartoons were my outlet. Hahahaha

    3. Take opportunities that are available-if looking for man on man contact. Nowadays there are dating sites. And plenty mind you. Be mindful that you will make mistakes and it will seem hopeless. We are all at differing stages of being “gay”. And you may meet many frogs before getting the worthy guy.

    4. Make friends. Make gay friends. Even if its just one.This is above all in importance. Because internalized homophobia has a way of biting your behind now and again.So a good optimistic friend will keep you on track so you don’t give in and become bitter.

    Don’t expect “marriage” with every guy you meet. That was my mistake lol. Only expect growth and clarity of what kind of partner you want to be with.

    You may also want to visit uplifting blogs about gay relationships and featured couples. It may be greatly inspiring. Positive gay books like “Velvet Rage” ,music and movies can also supplement this.

    Avoid negative people.They will suck you in. Avoid negative places and good luck. South Africa is a lot more progressive than many African countries(thank god),so its great fun being gay in this country-after you have made peace with who you are. Really!!

    Reply
    1. Aaron avatar
      Aaron

      Thanks LoveLife. Such an awesome and useful comment. I’m sure this will be very valuable advice to everyone!

      Reply
  3. Pancho avatar
    Pancho

    Join your local LGBT student group – we have one at UCT, Rainbow.

    Reply

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