Gay Life South Africa

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Welcome to the Gay Life South Africa (Gay Life ZA) blog – a very inspiring community of blog posts for gay people. I am a young gay guy living in Cape Town, and this is the space that I write some of my thoughts, opinions and experiences.

I am just one voice of the millions of other voices out there. So, if you send me your voice, your story, I’ll publish it so that there are more voices speaking out. I always appreciate any comments on my posts and I hope that you tweet anything that you enjoyed.

I will almost always publish good content written by you, and keep it anonymous unless you request otherwise. Click on be a guest blogger to write a post.

Follow me on Twitter: GayLifeZA

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Send me your coming out story

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As gay people, we each have a coming out story to tell. For some of us, the process was easy: family and friends accepted us. For others, it was painful. We may have been rejected by people we love and respect. Some of us feel like we cannot yet come out.

Coming out is not a single event. We come out to some people before others. There may be some that we share openly with, and others that we will never tell.

This is one thing that makes the gay community unique – we all share a uniquely similar story. Let me share your story. I’m happy to keep you anonymous, or share your name. It is up to you. Send me your story either by clicking the “be a guest blogger” link, or the by using the contact page. You can also read my coming out story. I can’t wait to hear from you!

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Gay dating: Things not to do on a date

Gay dating is not easy. It is hard to find the right guys out there. We all read about things that we should do on a date. But here are some things that you should definitely NOT do on a date! Hopefully this makes your gay dating easier!

1. Ask for feedback

Unfortunately for you, a date is not going to provide the feedback that you usually expect from a test, exam or performance appraisal. There will be no 8 out of 10. If you ask your date for feedback on how you did on the date, you are just going to sound like you lack confidence and your date will lose interest. You will know you did well if you get another date with this guy. Also, don’t ask for feedback on how you performed in bed! That’s weird!

Wine glasses on a date Continue reading

Coming out as gay – better late than never

I knew from the age of 18, (41 years ago), that I was not straight, and assumed that meant I was homosexual. Within a year I had revised that to bisexual, a revision I’ve had no reason to question since, and accepted that my basic sexual identity was gay, if not exclusively so.

Gay males kissing in shadow

In succeeding years I ‘experimented’ with gay sex, finding it suited me well even when not always satisfactory. But I also learned early that while my sexual appetite skewed toward gay sex, my need for intimacy went all the other way, and at age 25 began a relationship with a woman that continues to this day. I also found that my sexual identity as gay did wax and wane over time, at least within certain undefined boundaries, though I have never doubted that I am gay. Continue reading

Coming out as gay – Austin

Coming out as gay is never easy, even if you are fairly certain that your family will be completely accepting. Here is a coming out story that went well for Austin.

My name is Austin, and I came out on December 28, 2014. We had fetched my sister from cheer and were driving home. In between picking her up and going home, we stopped and ate. I was texting my friend from New York because I had wanted to come out before we ate, and he’s already out. He’s been my support system for over a year now, and has really helped me accept who I am. I asked him what I should do, and he said to do what I want – that it was entirely my decision.

Picture of Austin who came out

Picture of Austin who came out

Continue reading

Coming out: a letter from Parker

Here is a coming out letter by Parker (@parkerthediver), with the response from his parents.

Parker wrote:

Mom & Dad,

I have spent the last four years of my life trying my best to make both of you proud. Mom, I know that you fought hard so that you could be here for me & Patrick & Dad. Dad, I know that you work extremely hard every day to keep this family afloat. I respect both of you more than you’ll ever know.

I have recently realised that if I want to be genuinely happy, I need to be honest with both of you. I have known for a few years now that I am in fact gay. I have been so afraid that you guys would be disappointed in me, or think that I was failing you as a son, but I now know that if you are in fact disappointed, that’s on you. I’m not here to live up to anyone else’s expectations. The only expectations that matter to me are the ones that I set for myself. I’ll apologise for anything that I do wrong, but you’ll never hear me apologise for who I am.

I feel like this secret that I’ve been keeping has distanced me from my entire family. I hope that you guys can accept me for who I am, so that we can rebuild the relationships that we once had.

I love you both so much,
Parker

Response from Dad:

Parker, just read your letter. It doesn’t matter to us if you are gay or whatever. I just want you to keep your room clean and be happy. We adore you no matter what. No disappointment here.

Response from Mom:

Hey kiddo. Thanks for the letter. It had to be rough to write. Me and dad love you so much. We made you perfect. If gay is what you are, it’s perfect. I adore you. Thanks for telling us. We are your number one supporters. We got your back jack! I love you kid. Oh by the way, you still have to do chores.

Coming out as gay - letter from Parker (part 1)

Coming out as gay – letter from Parker (part 1)

Coming out as gay - letter from Parker (part 2)

Coming out as gay – letter from Parker (part 2)

Dad's response to coming out letter

Dad’s response to coming out letter

Mom's response to coming out letter

Mom’s response to coming out letter

Coming out as gay – Aaron Stymiest

A story by Aaron Stymiest about coming out as gay:

My coming out story begins in 2011, when I was in 7th grade. Being a middle schooler, who is going to turn 13, I was figuring out my feelings and who I was. I never had a thought about being gay. I always had crushes on girls, and never knew about what was to come. One day, when I was in language arts class, my teacher said we would be getting a new student. It was a boy. I was excited at the thought of making a new friend. About halfway through class, he walked into the room. I remember that the world slowed down when I saw him. Despite my seemingly straight self, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “wow…he’s cute.” At that moment, I caught myself thinking that, and was confused. Why did I think that? I shook it off. However, I couldn’t stop looking at him. He was adorable. I was in an awkward mindset for the rest of the day. Continue reading

Religious woman makes a gay boy confused

A letter written by one of my readers:

I am K.P, and I am 24 years old. For all my life as far as I could remember, I have grown up with a clear conscious of my sexuality. I fairly and peacefully played with girls around my neighbourhood. Though there were some dudes who would tease me from school, it didn’t bother me much. I didn’t have a problem with my sexuality, I loved guys, enjoyed the ongoing bouncing of crushes I had from one guy to another round the school and on TV sometimes. It was cool, but then came a change…

Priest reading bible - making gay people confused Continue reading

Dating: How to turn a potential date into a date

It is not easy to turn a potential date into a date. Firstly, it is not always easy to tell who is gay, and who might be interested in you. If you are in a crowded place and someone makes eye contact with you, how do you know if it was a mistake or if there was some meaning to it? It is then even harder to ask someone who you are interested in on a date.

Heart with rainbow and gay couple on a date

Smile and make eye contact

The best way to let a person know that you are interested is to smile at them and make eye contact. If you see that he is returning the smiles and eye contact, you know that he is interested. No need to feel insecure about whether he is interested or not. Straight guys don’t keep eye contact with strangers for very long.

Introduce yourself

If there is a stranger that is making eye contact, go ahead and introduce yourself. While you might think that you are being weird by approaching some random guy, he will probably just assume you are very friendly. Make some small talk, and see where things go.

Exchange contact details

If you like someone, and would like to perhaps meet them again, make sure to take down their contact details, and give them yours. A cellphone number will suffice – not a Grindr profile name, and probably not a Facebook request unless you have met them a few times before. Don’t be afraid to be the one to ask.

You will also need to actually use the contact number – keeping it in your bedside drawer will not help. Send a message in 1 or 2 days time. Don’t try to wait to see if he will message first – make the first move!

Make a first move

Don’t wait for him to make the first move. What if he is waiting for the same thing. You will both end up thinking that the other is not interested, where perhaps you are.

Invite him for coffee, but set a date

Saying “we should do coffee some time” is not enough. Set a date, time and place where you can both make it. If the plan doesn’t work out, set another date immediately (unless one of you discover that you don’t actually want to meet again).

If it doesn’t work out, don’t give up

Not every guy will be interested in you, and that is fine. Also, some guys might not be brave enough to accept an invitation to go on a date. We are all at different stages of our lives and looking for different things. If it doesn’t work out, accept it and move on. There will be someone else that will come along, and you shouldn’t assume this guy will react the same way as the last guy.

Leave a comment at the bottom if you have any experience to share!

6 New Year’s resolutions adding value to your life

It is the end of 2014 and 2015 is soon to start. We usually try to make some New Year’s resolutions to improve our lives in the coming year. It is not surprising that we don’t often keep our resolutions, probably because we do not actually want to make these changes. For a New Year’s resolution to succeed, we need to believe that we can achieve them, and want to achieve them. And they need to add meaning to your life.

Here are some New Year’s resolutions that will add some meaning to your life…

Happy New Year picture

1. Come out as gay

If you haven’t come out yet, make it your mission this year to do so. There is no reason to live with the burden of a secret for another year. Sure, there are some bad things that can happen: you may be rejected by some friends or family. While I acknowledge that those are truly devastating things, you must also try to see the good things that can happen when you come out. It is a real relief, trust me!

2. Ditch Grindr and similar apps

Face it, these apps don’t really add much meaning to your life, do they? You might get lucky by using them, but how do you feel the next morning? You probably don’t feel too good about yourself. So hit the uninstall button, and try some traditional dating methods. You can read my blog post about ways to make gay friends and meet people for some tips. Continue reading