Gay Life South Africa

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Welcome to the Gay Life South Africa (Gay Life ZA) blog – a very inspiring community of blog posts for gay people. I am a young gay guy living in Cape Town, and this is the space that I write some of my thoughts, opinions and experiences.

I am just one voice of the millions of other voices out there. So, if you send me your voice, your story, I’ll publish it so that there are more voices speaking out. I always appreciate any comments on my posts and I hope that you tweet anything that you enjoyed.

I will almost always publish good content written by you, and keep it anonymous unless you request otherwise. Click on be a guest blogger to write a post.

Follow me on Twitter: GayLifeZA

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Send me your coming out story

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As gay people, we each have a coming out story to tell. For some of us, the process was easy: family and friends accepted us. For others, it was painful. We may have been rejected by people we love and respect. Some of us feel like we cannot yet come out.

Coming out is not a single event. We come out to some people before others. There may be some that we share openly with, and others that we will never tell.

This is one thing that makes the gay community unique – we all share a uniquely similar story. Let me share your story. I’m happy to keep you anonymous, or share your name. It is up to you. Send me your story either by clicking the “be a guest blogger” link, or the by using the contact page. You can also read my coming out story. I can’t wait to hear from you!

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7 Realities of Gay Sex: it is not like porn

Before I knew the realities of love and sex, all I had to go on was porn. I was never a porn addict, and I never watched much of it, but hey, we have all had a look at some stage or another. This formed an idea in my head of what gay sex is about. We discover the following myths about gay sex:

1. We don’t last that long

Guys cannot last for a full 30 minutes like they do in porn. These scenes were shot over a number of attempts to make it look like they last forever. They also take breaks in between. I’m not saying sex will only last 5 minutes — with foreplay, sex can last hours. However, the hardcore action part won’t last that long without taking a break in between.

2. It is not always that clean

It is not that clean every time. Sometimes things get slightly dirty (not always, but sometimes!). Learn to deal with it. As long as you eat healthily, things should not be too bad.

Porn is fake

3. It doesn’t slide in that easily

It doesn’t just slide in so easily first time. The porn actors have a lot of experience, and have warmed up and loosened up before the scene was shot. To help things slide in easier, make sure you are relaxed beforehand. Take a bath, and use plenty of good quality lube.

4. You look great just the way you are

We don’t have to wear make-up during sex. Don’t feel like you are unsexy or inadequate. Porn actors use make-up to look like they do. You should just be yourself — that is much sexier in the real life. Sure, you can trim a bit, but we are never going to have such beautiful skin as they do in porn.

5. Sex is not only for young guys

Much of the porn industry focusses on young guys between 18 and 22 years old. But if you are past that age, don’t worry — you will still get to have hot sex with people who find you attractive. We need to get our mindset away from this assumption that after age 22, we are no longer beautiful.

6. It doesn’t shoot that much

We don’t always shoot so far and so much. If only a little comes out, there is nothing wrong. Sometimes the porn scene combines multiple ejaculations in one, and sometimes they even use fake semen. When we are very excited, things may shot far, but don’t expect that every time.

7. You should wear a condom

Wear a condom. I don’t care how sexy bareback looks in the porn video; it is unsafe and unclean to go bareback. Even with your regular partner. A condom not only protects you from STD’s, but it also keeps your member a bit cleaner.

 

 

The difficulty of finding love in a gay life

I have read and heard of many people saying: “I am a good-looking guy and quite laid-back. Why is finding love so hard? Why is it so hard for me to find love?” Or the usual, “I got into one of those dating sites and was excited about the prospects of meeting someone. But all I got were guys who were looking for sex, sex, sex and sex disguised as ‘love’. Am I missing something?”

I think the one thing that makes it very challenging for us gay people to find love and commitment is that we are all in very differing stages of acceptance and growth. Most times people are at a stage that is appropriate for the behaviour they exhibit, for example, wanting just casual sex and asking questions like “are you bottom or top?” And these guys may not always be in their 20’s or 30’s, but even older than that. So you get a lot of back/forth, up/down and confusing actions by many.

Finding love - online dating

Others who you would assume should be over all that so-called “juvenile” behaviour end up disappointing you by asking about your dick size, etc. You wonder what the guy was up to in his early 20’s to only get started with that at the ripe age of 48? If you happen to see someone very attractive on a dating site, but end up turned off by that line of questioning, it is easy to become discouraged. Continue reading

Gay dating: Things not to do on a date

Gay dating is not easy. It is hard to find the right guys out there. We all read about things that we should do on a date. But here are some things that you should definitely NOT do on a date! Hopefully this makes your gay dating easier!

1. Ask for feedback

Unfortunately for you, a date is not going to provide the feedback that you usually expect from a test, exam or performance appraisal. There will be no 8 out of 10. If you ask your date for feedback on how you did on the date, you are just going to sound like you lack confidence and your date will lose interest. You will know you did well if you get another date with this guy. Also, don’t ask for feedback on how you performed in bed! That’s weird!

Wine glasses on a date Continue reading

Coming out as gay – better late than never

I knew from the age of 18, (41 years ago), that I was not straight, and assumed that meant I was homosexual. Within a year I had revised that to bisexual, a revision I’ve had no reason to question since, and accepted that my basic sexual identity was gay, if not exclusively so.

Gay males kissing in shadow

In succeeding years I ‘experimented’ with gay sex, finding it suited me well even when not always satisfactory. But I also learned early that while my sexual appetite skewed toward gay sex, my need for intimacy went all the other way, and at age 25 began a relationship with a woman that continues to this day. I also found that my sexual identity as gay did wax and wane over time, at least within certain undefined boundaries, though I have never doubted that I am gay. Continue reading

Coming out as gay – Austin

Coming out as gay is never easy, even if you are fairly certain that your family will be completely accepting. Here is a coming out story that went well for Austin.

My name is Austin, and I came out on December 28, 2014. We had fetched my sister from cheer and were driving home. In between picking her up and going home, we stopped and ate. I was texting my friend from New York because I had wanted to come out before we ate, and he’s already out. He’s been my support system for over a year now, and has really helped me accept who I am. I asked him what I should do, and he said to do what I want – that it was entirely my decision.

Picture of Austin who came out

Picture of Austin who came out

Continue reading

Coming out: a letter from Parker

Here is a coming out letter by Parker (@parkerthediver), with the response from his parents.

Parker wrote:

Mom & Dad,

I have spent the last four years of my life trying my best to make both of you proud. Mom, I know that you fought hard so that you could be here for me & Patrick & Dad. Dad, I know that you work extremely hard every day to keep this family afloat. I respect both of you more than you’ll ever know.

I have recently realised that if I want to be genuinely happy, I need to be honest with both of you. I have known for a few years now that I am in fact gay. I have been so afraid that you guys would be disappointed in me, or think that I was failing you as a son, but I now know that if you are in fact disappointed, that’s on you. I’m not here to live up to anyone else’s expectations. The only expectations that matter to me are the ones that I set for myself. I’ll apologise for anything that I do wrong, but you’ll never hear me apologise for who I am.

I feel like this secret that I’ve been keeping has distanced me from my entire family. I hope that you guys can accept me for who I am, so that we can rebuild the relationships that we once had.

I love you both so much,
Parker

Response from Dad:

Parker, just read your letter. It doesn’t matter to us if you are gay or whatever. I just want you to keep your room clean and be happy. We adore you no matter what. No disappointment here.

Response from Mom:

Hey kiddo. Thanks for the letter. It had to be rough to write. Me and dad love you so much. We made you perfect. If gay is what you are, it’s perfect. I adore you. Thanks for telling us. We are your number one supporters. We got your back jack! I love you kid. Oh by the way, you still have to do chores.

Coming out as gay - letter from Parker (part 1)

Coming out as gay – letter from Parker (part 1)

Coming out as gay - letter from Parker (part 2)

Coming out as gay – letter from Parker (part 2)

Dad's response to coming out letter

Dad’s response to coming out letter

Mom's response to coming out letter

Mom’s response to coming out letter

Coming out as gay – Aaron Stymiest

A story by Aaron Stymiest about coming out as gay:

My coming out story begins in 2011, when I was in 7th grade. Being a middle schooler, who is going to turn 13, I was figuring out my feelings and who I was. I never had a thought about being gay. I always had crushes on girls, and never knew about what was to come. One day, when I was in language arts class, my teacher said we would be getting a new student. It was a boy. I was excited at the thought of making a new friend. About halfway through class, he walked into the room. I remember that the world slowed down when I saw him. Despite my seemingly straight self, I couldn’t help but think to myself, “wow…he’s cute.” At that moment, I caught myself thinking that, and was confused. Why did I think that? I shook it off. However, I couldn’t stop looking at him. He was adorable. I was in an awkward mindset for the rest of the day. Continue reading

Religious woman makes a gay boy confused

A letter written by one of my readers:

I am K.P, and I am 24 years old. For all my life as far as I could remember, I have grown up with a clear conscious of my sexuality. I fairly and peacefully played with girls around my neighbourhood. Though there were some dudes who would tease me from school, it didn’t bother me much. I didn’t have a problem with my sexuality, I loved guys, enjoyed the ongoing bouncing of crushes I had from one guy to another round the school and on TV sometimes. It was cool, but then came a change…

Priest reading bible - making gay people confused Continue reading