The beginning...

Welcome to my blog. I am a gay guy living in Cape Town, and this is the space that I write some of my thoughts, opinions and experiences.

I always appreciate any comments on my posts and I hope that you tweet anything that you enjoyed.

Follow me on Twitter: GayLifeZA

Dear mom (on Mother’s Day)

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Dear Mom

Thanks for being the best mother that any gay boy could hope for. Sure, it was a long road from when I came out to you until you accepted me fully. But we travelled that road together, and we have come out stronger together.

Thanks for accepting and loving me for who I am. Thanks for realising that me being gay is not just a phase, but who I am. And thanks for realising that being gay is not the whole of me, but just a part of me.

Whenever I reflect on our relationship, I am so thankful for who you are. Sadly, there are so many other LGBTI people who have not been accepted by their parents. And I realise that it takes a very brave person to go against society’s view and openly accept their gay child. Often a gay boy will first come out to their mother, and it is a mother’s job to love them and provide them with the support they need to come out to the rest of the family. A job you did very well.

Mother's Day card

I love you, mom.

 

Being rejected by your family for being gay

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Christmas time. A period full of happy memories with family members. We spend quality time with our family, laughing together, with them cherishing and loving us and us loving them in return. That is why Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year.

But it is also one of the saddest times for me. As I think of how my family loves and accepts me, I also think of how many families have rejected their children outright, just because they have come out as gay. It saddens and sickens me, and I cannot even begin to imagine what that must feel like. I guess I am just luck that I did not go through that.

All alone at Chirstmas

How can a family be so cruel as to reject their loved one? How can parents, whose only job in life is to raise, protect and love their child, choose to tell them that they are no longer their child? This is inconceivable to me. No matter what one’s belief, religion or upbringing, the natural instinct should be to love your children and family unconditionally. Continue reading →

Of Lessons Learned

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The below is a blog post from Richard Cordova (http://www.thebody.com/content/69145/of-lessons-learned-my-days-with-hiv.html) which I found very touching. I think these lessons are very applicable to us all, as you can interchange HIV with any other challenge in our lives, such as being gay. People will reject you for being gay. They will also reject you for being short, fat, skinny etc. That doesn’t mean that you need to hide it from people.

The blog post:

How do you feel about being HIV positive? Do you feel good? Bad? Scared? Maybe you don’t care … for me, HIV is there. It’s something I think about a lot, but I’m not scared of it. Not like I used to be. I used to be afraid of dying. I used to be afraid of people finding out I was positive. I used to be afraid I would pass it to someone else. Continue reading →

How awesome is the gay community

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It is always such a warming feeling to belong to a ‘community’. I see communities in many places such as churches and religious groups, schools, and residential areas. To me, a community is a group of people who are naturally brought together for various reasons and end up having a strong bond with each other. They are brought together by common interest rather than by choice. They look after one another, protect and support each other.

Unfortunately, I didn’t really have this while growing up. I was never part of any community. I grew up in a neighbourhood where you didn’t really know your neighbours and I didn’t attend Church. But later in life, I slowly discovered a new community. One that can be very supportive at times, and one that I could instantly feel part of. This is of course the gay community. Continue reading →

So now I am single

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My world got completely turned upside-down recently when I found myself no longer in a 6-year relationship, but instead alone and single. My boyfriend and I broke up. It is not my intention to write up nasty stuff about my ex-boyfriend, or to air my dirty laundry here. I just thought I’d write down how I feel.

Believe it or not, I have not been in this situation before. Never before have I gone through a permanent breakup. We did have a fight before that resulted in us being apart for a week or two, but this is different. This seems permanent. Continue reading →

Religion and homosexuality

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They say that nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes. However, I think that another certainty seems to be the unnecessary conflict between homosexuality and religion. Most major religions reject homosexuality, claiming it is a sin. Or if homosexuality on its own is not a sin, the sexual acts that go along with it are definitely labeled as sins. Each religion usually has a couple of quotes in their religious books which can be interpreted to outlaw homosexuality.

God hates gays

This has unfortunately isolated many religious gay people, and turned them away from their religion. Many feel abandoned by their religion, and now feel lost. Some gay people have rejected religion, and some even hate religion. One can understand all these emotions, as us gay people just want to be accepted and loved. We want to fit in, and also be welcomed by religion.

I actually believe that if there is a higher power – a God – out there, that he actually will accept and love gay people. Continue reading →

Donating “gay blood”

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In many countries, there is either an outright ban on gay men donating blood, or there is a deferral period, where a man cannot donate blood if he has had sex with another man in the preceding 6 or 12 months. The reason for the ban, is that many studies have shown that gay men have a much higher prevalence of HIV and hepatitis than straight men. I was wondering if this policy is fair.

Gay blood ban

Bans across the world

  • South Africa: 6 months deferral on males having sex with males
  • England: 1 year deferral on males having sex with males
  • USA: indefinite deferral on males having sex with males

This means that, in South Africa, if a man has anal or oral sex with another man, they cannot donate blood for 6 months. In the USA, they can never donate blood again. Continue reading →

4 stages of finding a relationship

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1. You love being single

The first stage is one where you profess the joys of being single. Being single is the best thing in the world. You wonder why anyone would be stupid enough to be in a relationship. You really relish the freedom and lack of responsibility that comes with being single.

To the people around you, you appear to be thrilled to be single. But do you really feel like this deep down? Is this a cover for the true loneliness you are feeling?

This stage is often the first stage after a breakup. You feel that relationships just do not work, and cause people to be unhappy. However, you will most likely realise that this stage is not permanent, and you are likely to find yourself in a happy relationship some time in the future.

Touching hands

2. Actively searching

In the second stage, you are over being single. You are no longer the Chief Activist for the “Love Being Single” movement. Continue reading →

Heterosexuals can learn a lot from gay relationships

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Did you know that a homosexual relationship can actually set the example to society of how a good relationship works? Negative, homophobic remarks have made the world think that a gay relationship does not work; that there is a natural incompatibility. Many people, both gay and straight, think that gay people are worse at relationships. The world is made to believe that gay relationships are full of fighting, cheating and unhappiness.

Gay couple sharing a hug on the lawn

Happy gay couple

I certainly don’t buy that view. Successful gay relationships can actually show the world how a truly happy and equal couple can function. Continue reading →

Are you afraid of being ‘the wife’?

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Many people are quite comfortable with the roles that they take on in their relationships. You may find that you are happy with you or your partner being the slightly more dominant person and the other being slightly more submissive. Or you may be in a relationship where both partners take on an equal role within the relationship.

The wife providing a pie

The wife

The fear of the ‘role’

But sometimes, people have a fear of becoming a certain role. We usually fear becoming the more submissive partner, and the submissive role often has a bad connotation. It is sometimes referred to as being the ‘wife’ in the relationship. This person is seen to be the ‘girl’ in the relationship, and they are expected to be cooking, cleaning, and generally looking after the house. I have found that sometimes, even though people are very equal in their relationship, the fear exists of becoming the submissive wife in the relationship. I think this fear is spurred on by how friends will ask a couple directly the Continue reading →